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Vanishing Grove

by Zantilla

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1.
Mother's Day 03:09
piss the bed again last night frozen to the sheets and fearing sunlight I'm never unafraid of how it ends I'll just grit my teeth at intervention time again who am I to you if none of this was ever true I know there's so much I could say but I don't call on mother's day anymore she can answer for her violence to her god she can handle my silence if I can handle the rod boiling alive to say that I'm okay tried so hard to piss it all way so of course the phone goes cold another mother's day
2.
Recurrence 01:37
I dreamt the house on Belvedere Drive a familiar sound swallows me alive while the sun falls out the sky I dreamt the house on Timmons where I met a ghost yet to be connected to that spit of earth umber as my sleeves I came for the cornbread I came for the greens I came for the neckbone I came for the beans I came for the memories buried in the yard I came to leave and leave so far but in my slumber I return I return I return
3.
4.
Don't Say 03:31
and papa don't know what mama don't say and everybody's fucking at the end of the day and baby don't know what their folks don't say cus they don't wanna think about the role that they play and papa don't know and papa don't ask and mama got the whip and the hood and the mask and I'm so fucked my father lives in VR he couldn't see very far into the life I was living into the place where we are I see a tower of man walking a bleeding land I see him shouting there seething something he can't understand and papa don't ask, and mama don't say and everybody's fucked at the end of the day
5.
6.
Timmons 03:23
7.
Scar 02:02
my body remembers long before my birth a scar inside my mother's mother's mother's mother's mother to stave the curse, she drains the worth from mother's mother's mother's mother and so on they will hurt each other knocking children to the earth my mother's mother's mother and she will not recover save to make her suffer my mother's mother now, my mother to curse me and my brother but I refuse to hurt another I am cursed a scar of a scar of a scar, and so far it lives beyond it's grave that scar left by the whip from the master to the slave
8.
Skin 02:56
Draped in magnetic hide pulling bullets toward me in umber sleeves, I bob and weave but few seem to believe, they say "it's high fashion, not high mortality I see no abnormality, no brutality don't lie to me" well if you want my threat, come take it but if you ain't born dead, it's hard to fake it we were taught to hate this skin yet we watch those without it with thirsty eyes pretend that they do you wanna walk and talk like us but you don't wanna die for it and lucky for you, y'all never do you can play dress up all you want and take it off when you get tired of it and believe me you will because the moment we demand the space we deserve, you will remember who you really are
9.
PTSS 01:52
10.
11.
7.12.2019 02:55
12.
13.
Overgrowth 02:36
14.

about

CW: racism, child abuse

Vanishing Grove is a concept album exploring the turbulence of black childhood inspired by the work of Dr. Joy Degruy and my own childhood.

The album follows a story in which I explore my childhood memories through a recurring dream. I wrestle with abuse, neglect, vacant esteem, and generational trauma and how they relate to the internalized anti-blackness. The intent of this work is for my own healing, but also to reclaim and share my truth in my own words.

credits

released August 31, 2023

All written and performed by me except the wonderful sax solo on Let Me Off This Fucking Time Machine which is performed masterfully by ZBW

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all rights reserved

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about

Zantilla Waterloo, Iowa

Zantilla is a digital fusion project by composer/multi-instrumentalist Adrian Shegstad.

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